B-Movie break: Avalanche Sharks

Oh my, I saw the title on netflix and was like “Yes, I do need this in my life.” It’s apparently a movie about ancient man-hungry sharks awakened by an avalanche and of course it’s during spring break. Yes, just yes.

Movie starts off with a couple idiots on snow boards making a bro joke and going into the out of bounds area on a mountain. Then someone sets off a controlled avalanche right where they are and then it… I’m not sure. I guess things glow blue and then a shark materializes in the snow. It eats bro #1 and bro #2 impales himself on a tree, then pulls himself free saying “It’s okay, It’s okay.” And then gets eaten by a snow shark. Cue cheesy theme music. All the names in the opening credits have blood spatter around them and are superimposed over a gory “kid’s drawing” of a sad girl on the mountain with dead people and a snow shark.

My original naming scheme of hair color and shirt color for the girls won’t work… both are blond and wearing blue… so level-head and gold digger it is. Then another blond in a blue shirt and the brother of one of the first two idiots are established. And they make it very clear that he is “28” and she is “26” for some reason. Maybe there’s a quiz at the end? Also there’s a nerd driving gold digger and level head to the ski lodge. He’s very intent on keeping his schedule. He agrees to make an unscheduled pee stop if they listen to his story. His scary story about a demon who haunts the mountain named “skookum”. Gold digger perpetually ruins the story about a group of hyper-intelligent space sharks trying to save their race and then sudden jump cut to snowboarding and radical guitar riffs. Well hopefully I get to hear nerd’s story later. Then the sheriff tells another blond and a brunette in blue to put on clothes instead of skiing in bikinis but it’s spring break so of course not. Now 26-yr old and 28 yr old head out to ski and sheriff’s wife and bald guy are established.

I should’ve picked movie theater butter popcorn for this. Creepy woodsman says he would’ve given  blue bikini brunette and another blond whatfor half a century ago (he’s talking to his husky at this point) when he’s sees the snow shark and hears it’s theme music and says “Oh. They’re back.” like this is a majestic migration he’s been waiting for.

Now a dramatic slow shot of equipment on the slopes and the sun setting. The snow sharks aren’t nocturnal, why are they focusing on the sunset so much? Now level head and her male cousin who’s a friend of nerd are hiking. Or was that 26 and 28? 28 really wants to know where his now eaten brother got to. Good lord there are too many people in this. and they may all actually be drunk.

Okay skookum is an old indian legend apparently. Sure, might really be. That explains the blue magic. Hahaha… the sheriff’s wife is a marine biologist. Okay. 28 calls the sheriff to ask if he’s locked up his brother but no sign of dead idiot. Okay 26 is named madison, and Ski patrol guy is too busy to look for the brother. Old creepy guy is named duffy, and starts screaming how the skookum have tasted blood and everyone is gonna die. Ski patrol is named Dale…oh no, I think nerd went off on his own! I hope that’s cousin and not nerd, cause he’s dead now.

Pretty sure 28 is a combat vet since he’s being paranoid and 26 was like “stop worrying, it’s not like we’re in a combat zone.” Duffy has his dog team hitched up and they’re taking off somewhere. And he has a serious looking gun and has just fallen off his sled. Ski patrol is sun bathing with his bronze medal of something or other and again refuses to help.

Okay it was cousin who died. Level-head is worried she hasn’t heard from him. Some guy named Lars is being a real creeper and intervening trying to flirt. Oh, he owns the resort. He is now creeping on a japanese tourist who doesn’t speak english well. Two people I’m not sure have been introduced yet are having relationship drama and…  They’re either about to discover a body or die or both. They’re out in the middle of nowhere hiking.

The lodge is established to be in financial danger and Duffy runs through being Duffy. Cut to random couple again, cut to snow shark view. Lady doesn’t like that he won’t say I love you, then… well she gets eaten. I kinda want to turn that into a gif to the tune “breaking up is hard to do.”

It’s been 25 years since the skookums last fed, and Duffy is named Duffy Dufferin. 26 and 28 meet guy who just had the worst breakup ever.

Of course sheriff’s wife the marine biologist saw the last skookum attack. She drew the kids picture from the start. It ate her parents.

Breakup guy sacrifices himself to save 26 and 28… though really he’s just being crazy. Main cast meets up and the mayor arrives and is like “We can’t close the mountain in peak tourist time.”

Duffy, 26 and 28, sheriff and his wife, and level head seem to be the main team. Mayor, creeper lars, and ski patrol are the antagonists. Oh joy, this is ski jaws. I really hope that ski patrol bites it first since he wants the sheriff’s job.

Then the mayor relieves the sheriff of duty, appoints ski patrol, and a snowblower gets eaten. Then nerd tells the skookum myth to a bored lady in the monorail. Then she’s teasing two snowmobilers by flirting and makes them race. Then guitar riff montage of snowmobiles and then in an actually pretty hilarious scene gets eaten as she’s stripping for the winner. Duffy finds out his dogs have been eaten and that’s really sad, which is ruined by 28 trying to tell hot tub girls to leave the hot tub. Brunette in a bikini agrees but the other two stay and get eaten. Nerd tries to flirt with japanese tourist who just smiles and nods at him. She’s apparently going down the backside so they split ways. Then ski patrol ditches a lady he was flirting with when he sees a snow shark eat somebody.

Oh man, japanese tourist is gonna ski. Please be the coolest run away sequence ever. 28 just elbowed 26 because she tried to stop him attacking the lift guy. Ski patrol is 100% on team sharks are bad now and telling everyone to leave. And there’s an avalanche? And brunette in a bikini gets stuck in the snow and is eaten. Sheriff gets eaten getting 28 and wife inside. And ski patrol actually mans up and attacks the sharks. Guns are completely ineffective by the way. And now ski patrol’s been bitten and is lying bleeding in the snow.

Wow… level head just advocated leaving ski patrol to die because freezing and dying is less painful than bringing him in where he’ll warm up and bleed out faster. And Duffy arrives to try and save the day… and he brought a knife. He just got attacked and is being eaten and stabbing the shark at the same time. And 28 shot him to end his suffering I guess? and now 26 is being a distraction. Oh, the japanese tourist came across the totems that were disturbed and had held the guardian spirits before. That’s a thing by the way. The girls all ditch 28 for the truck, and 28 is attacked in a buried cabin. And Ski patrol is begging them to save him in 28’s memory. Oh, but 28 survived somehow, and the shark disappears as japanese tourist lady fixed it’s totem. And they only see movement, because sharks. level head is about to be eaten when japanese tourist fixes totem #2 and it vanishes… oh no it did get her just in time. The last shark starts eating ski patrol when japanese tourist lady fixes the last totem and all is done. Then ski patrol starts bitching about being half eaten and 28 says “No, I’m not crazy, I’m a marine.” in an amazing dramatic pose that made me laugh. Then he tells ski patrol to shut up, so he can figure out where they are and get help. Oh man, there was another totem, and the last shark tries to eat 28 as the tourist takes a snack break. Then it just disappears before the tourist even fixes the totem. I guess it wanted to make sure ski patrol got eaten before it disappeared. Now the nightmare is over and our heros(?) head home as the true hero skies on. Then one of the totems just falls over at the end which is baloney.

That’s the movie. I was able to sum up all the key points in less than 1500 words and it’s basically ski-jaws. There are a few funny bits, it’s cheesy and violent and someone clearly had a go-pro they’d been dying to try out.  If you’re in the mood for a b-movie that doesn’t make you think too much, find this on streaming and decided for yourself which blond should’ve died first.

 

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